The American Solution to Suicide Bombers

It’s been a while since my last entry due to my moving back to America and I’ve been meaning to comment on this for a while. America seems mired down in this enigma of suicide bombings which they are having a very hard time stopping. I know that that there must be a lot of people with graduate degrees working on this problem but I think I’ve found where they are going wrong. You see, most people who are working on this problem most likely graduated from Hamburger eating, too much television watching, SUV driving America!!!!

So what is their solution??? A FRIGGIN COMMERCIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Gen Xers solution to the problem of suicide bombings is yes a commercial which after watching so many of them throughout their life must have thought, “Gee, commercials got me to buy a brand new cell phone with e-mail capability, sold me on losing fat at Subway, and I learned that by taking 8 different drugs a day I could feel happier, lose bad cholesterol, and run a marathon. Perhaps if we made a commercial then it will solve the problem!”

As luck would have it, I was able to obtain a few preliminary drafts of these commercials through my secret contacts in Saigon.

1. It starts out with a young Iraqi youth in a park sitting by the pond contemplating while the narration starts. “Are you feeling down and depressed by American oppression? Have you given thought to strapping a bomb to yourself and blowing the hell out of everyone and everything? Is this stopping you from being able to concentrate on your daily activities and leave you feeling,,, well Irregular? Then through the wonders of modern science we have come up with ZANIKS, the wonder drug that will not only starve off these murderous intentions, but will also help lessen your cholesterol and leaving you feeling like yourself again. Please call 1-800-UGO-America for your free bottle of happiness.” Then very as the narrator speaks very rapidly “Terms and restrictions apply, side effects may include constipation, irritability, and hallucinations of grandeur. Not available in Samarrah, Falluja or the Kurdish homeland.”

2. The second one is of a suicide bomber who suddenly gets hungry on the way to his target and decides to drop in subway. With every bite the bombs start dropping out from underneath his shirt and as the poundage is shed away he starts to smile until he is finished and skips out of the restaurant to go play ring around the rosy with the other unemployed young males whose family have already been bombed to oblivion.

If commercials don’t work, then I heard they are thinking of introducing a new video game called “Infiltrating Iran Commandos” with the hopes of getting every disaffected Iraqi youth playing nonstop. If the game becomes popular then perhaps, they could get them to dream of sneaking into Iran, blowing up the leadership there, and thus kill two birds with one stone.

I however, having spent much time abroad have learned to think outside of the box and of something truly original. The solution to the problem of instability in Iraq is to put Saddam in charge of security!!!! Yes, he is a murderous dictatorial bastard but he is the last person who made Iraq secure and everyone there is afraid of him! It’s like America has the Ace of Spades but is afraid to play it! Actually, wasn’t Saddam the Ace in the infamous deck of cards? This is a rather ironic analogy but America should take that card and play it!

From the American way of thinking, Americans cannot understand why some “bad” Iraqis’ are blowing up the infrastructure America wants to build and don’t want freedom!!! My guess is America wants to control the government or at least get favorable oil contracts and cannot leave without at least something and this is what the “bad” people are fighting against. If it was simply a case of “Hey, we want to come in, fix your city, give you freedom and happiness” and so on then it would be stupid to try and stop it! But apparently we are at a stalemate and thus I think if America just promised to give Saddam his palaces back and a few million then he would be happy to put down this insurrection and could promise America favorable oil contracts!!!!

And yes, this idea is as ridiculous as playing commercials. So people in the red states, if you don’t see the sarcasm please understand that it is a joke and don’t leave messages telling me it’s a terrible idea. Look “Sarcasm” up in the dictionary.

By Mateo de Colón

Global Citizen! こんにちは!僕の名前はマットです. Es decir soy Mateo. Aussi, je m'appelle Mathieu. Likes: Languages, Cultures, Computers, History, being Alive! (^.^)/


  1. Re. your idea about reemploying Saddam.
    Iraq could sentence Saddam to do community service and then put him in charge of security.
    The municipal government of Copenhagen actually

  2. So are you coming back to Saigon again? I miss your posts on life in Saigon. It relieves me from my Saigon-sick feeling. I love the Saigon lifestyle, its warm-hearted people, the hot sunny days n the rain, and the buzzing street activities. I know its a long shot and unrealistic, but I just wish I can find a job there. I just dont know what career direction can lead me there. Im a Vietnamese American who had lived in the US for 12 years. Im 25 now, and have went back a couple times. I miss Saigon very much. To me, America will always be a place to make money. Saigon is where I would want to live, and roam.

  3. Minh,
    Thanks for your post! I’m glad this website serves for something else than simply pissing off the republicans. I too really miss Saigon and am going through terrible culture shock. I agree with you that Saigon is a wonderful place to live and it seems that in America, making money is the purpose of life. However, some have given up that goal and joined the mega “world harvest salvation televangelist divine money transfer” churches.
    But I digress. It looks like I’m here in the States for a couple of years for the sake of my resume and hopefully to save a bit of coin. If I can save enough, I’m going to buy a house in Nha Trang and retire. The people of Vietnam are lovely as are the people of Cambodia and Thailand. Never made it to Laos but I’m sure they are great too.
    Just bear in mind that anyone can move to Saigon at anytime. And for Viet-Kieu especially, the doors are opening up at a rapid pace. So I guess, the best advice I can give if you really want to go back is:
    1. Just go. When you get there, go to the Chamber of Commerce meetings, meet people and apply for everything. Something will come up but you’ll have to take an enormous pay cut. However, the cost of living as you know is extremely cheap so it’s not as bad as it seems. If nothing else, you can always teach English until you find something else becomes available.
    2. Try to find a company in America that wants to do business in Vietnam. As you already speak the language, you’d probably be the first pick.
    Saigon will always be there and the future is looking bright. I’ll be back there most likely in the next 2-3 years and am sure I can make it happen if I keep my eyes open. Just hope I can keep my darts game up to scratch as the Vietnamese teams are getting good!

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