Everyday, I check a variety of news sources on the net, TV and radio and have found similar patterns in all of them.
1. CNN
Headlines:
a.) Brittney Spears did something again!!!
b.) Paris Hilton also did something!!
c.) Why isn’t Nicole Richie doing anything?
d.) Christine Amanpour is desperately looking for a war zone to run around in and try out her new cross training Prada heels!
e.) Grace Under Fire is livid once again!
f.) Grace realizes that being angry all the time makes her tired.
g.) Wolf Blitzer admits his name is made up. And he is mad at Stone Philips for also making up his name.
h.) CNN admits that yes, they have been hiring from the Playboy Mansion.
i.) Man finds image of Jesus in his breakfast burrito.
2. Fox News
a.) The Democrats did something stupid again
b.) George Bush is the best EVER!!!!
c.) Announces results of Presidential election for 2012 and the Republicans win… What do you mean it’s too early???
3. French News – Le Monde
a.) The farmers are on strike.
b.) The transportation workers are also on strike.
c.) Protesters take over McDonalds and demand name change to Le McDonaldeau.
4. American news in general
a.) There yet another CRISIS
b.) SCANDAL!!!
5. Midwestern News
a.) The weather today is hot.
b.) Tomorrow will be rainy.
c.) Thursday will be hot again.
d.) Tune in at 6:00 for the latest on the weather.
e.) “Quiet Communities Count on Blasts of Noise to Scare Crows” (A real headline) – Realize the communities are longer quiet and are investigating into the cause of the mysterious noise.
f.) Evangelical from World Harvest Resurrection Hope of the Savior wants all Muslims to quit being silly and convert.
6. San Francisco News
a.) Gay people still really mad about Proposition 8. (Took away right to Marry)
b.) George Bush is an idiot!
c.) Homeless people have taken over our newsroom and are demanding “just two dollars for Alcohol Research.”
e.) Mayor Newsome — All your policies are stupid,, but you are still handsome.
7. Oakland News
a.) Three dead in gang violence
b.) The mayor chooses Yellow as gang color and is exploring corresponding hand sign.
c.) Police arrest mayor for being gangster but is then released as he dissolves police force.
8. Berkeley News
a.) Man sues for right to marry Oak Tree.
b.) Spiritual Leader known as “Moonbeam” arrested for living in tree.
c.) Moonbeam elected mayor.
d.) We should leave our houses and give them to homeless people.
e.) We are the most peaceful city on Earth.
f.) We created the Nuclear bomb but let’s not talk about that.
9. The Economist
a.) Why poor countries should listen to our advice about how to fix all their dumb mistakes.
b.) Zimbabwe’s Mugabe is still the worst leader in the world.
c.) Why aren’t the poor countries listening to our expert advice?
d.) We Brits found something else that is wrong with those poor countries.
10. Japanese News – Asahi Shimbun
a.) Why doesn’t the rest of the world understand that whaling is a good thing??
b.) Something happened but we will not say why nor give any details.
c.) Try the Ramen at “Murasaki” in Ikebukuro… It’s really really good!
d.) Foreigners just don’t understand.
11. China News
a.) All our policies are good.
b.) We have never done anything bad.
c.) Please leave our Olympic torch alone…. and don’t even think of trying to do that nonsense here… you saw what happened to Tibet when they tried.
d.) You can’t read this article because it never existed.
12. Latin American News
a.) New political party formed, has “Revolución” in the title.
b.) President want to change constitution so as to remain in power for life.
c.) President can’t change constitution so people elect his wife as next president,, currently working on male heir.
13. BBC
a.) Retains title as best news source ever!!!!
11. Market Watch
a.) STOCKS POST RECORD GAIN CAUSE THE PRESIDENT SAID ECONOMY IS OK
b.) STOCKS PLUMMET AS INVESTORS REALIZE REALITY IS “REAL.”
c.) STOCKS RALLY CAUSE THE PRESIDENT SAID REALITY ISN’T “REAL!”
d.) STOCKS PLUMMET AGAIN AS INVESTORS REALIZE THE PRESIDENT IS FULL OF CRAP!
14. The Bill O’Reilly show
a.) Bill is complimented on being “A Great American” for the 1000th time.
b.) Anything the Democrats have done recently or ever done is simply a bad idea.
15. Rush Limbaugh
a.) Rush realizes he really likes to hear himself talk.
b.) Rush has set record for longest elongation of the “S” sound at the end of his words and is wondering if he sounds gay.
c.) Everything I have ever said is right and please don’t listen to any traitor Republicans who are telling you guys not to listen to me.
d.) I have intimate dreams of me with Ronald Reagan.
